The Big Fat Father Christmas Joke Book Read online

Butcher!

  Butcher with the turkey?

  No. Butcher name down here. I’ve got a Christmas present for you.

  Oh! Do come in!

  I told you!

  Gnock! Gnock!

  Who’s there?

  Ghost.

  Well, don’t spook till you’re spooken to! SLAM!

  So, with a pest like Gnocker around you can see why there’s only one answer to a knock on the door.

  ON THE FOURTH DAY OF CHRISTMAS MY TRUE LOVE SENT TO ME

  FOUR CHRISTMAS PRESENTS

  Christmas is the time for giving presents. And it’s our job to help Father Christmas fill the sacks, load the sleigh and fly around the world delivering them. Being gnomes, we can get down to the places Father Christmas can’t reach. We also get to read the letters to Father Christmas. And some people do ask for funny presents.

  But not everyone gets what they expect . . .

  FATHER

  CHRISTMAS:

  Send him a paper bag.

  GNEIL:

  Send him a comb; I’ll bet he never parts with it!

  People don’t just write to us for presents. They ask their parents too . . .

  LITTLE GIRL:

  Mammy, mammy! Can I have a puppy for Christmas?

  MOTHER:

  Certainly not. You can have turkey like everybody else!

  LITTLE BOY:

  Dad! Can I have a broken drum for Christmas?

  DAD:

  The best thing you could have asked for. You can’t beat it!

  LITTLE BOY:

  Daddy, Daddy! Can I have a wombat for Christmas?

  DAD:

  What would you do with a wombat?

  LITTLE BOY:

  Play worn, of course, stupid!

  Of course the shops can be very helpful at Christmas, even though they’re so busy.

  GNORMAN: I don’t understand why we can’t have Christmas in July, when the shops aren’t so crowded!

  Shop assistants often help husbands and wives choose presents for each other . . .

  MAN:

  My wife would like an unusual watch.

  ASSISTANT:

  Certainly, sir. This one has insects in place of numbers.

  MAN:

  So how do you tell the time?

  ASSISTANT:

  Easy. Look! It’s just coming up to fly past flea.

  WOMAN:

  Have you something for my husband? He has flat feet.

  ASSISTANT:

  Why not buy him a foot pump?

  WOMAN:

  And he suffers from water on the knee.

  ASSISTANT:

  So buy him some drainpipe trousers!

  MAN:

  I want some silk handkerchiefs for my wife.

  ASSISTANT:

  Certainly, sir. What size nose does she have?

  MAN:

  Actually she wanted something with diamonds but I only have two pounds.

  ASSISTANT:

  So, buy her a pack of cards.

  MAN:

  That train set looks fantastic. I’ll take one.

  ASSISTANT:

  I’m sure your son will love it, sir!

  MAN:

  (sighs) Oh, yes . . . I suppose he would. You’d better give me two, then.

  WOMAN:

  What would you give to the man who has everything?

  ASSISTANT:

  Penicillin?

  WOMAN:

  He’d really like a tie to match his eyes.

  ASSISTANT:

  Blue, brown, green or grey?

  WOMAN:

  You don’t do “bloodshot” I suppose?

  Children can sometimes be very tiresome to buy presents for . . .

  WOMAN:

  Excuse me, do you have a kitten for my little girl?

  ASSISTANT:

  Sorry, madam, we don’t do swaps.

  WOMAN:

  I mean, have you got any kittens going cheap?

  ASSISTANT:

  Certainly not! They all go miaow!

  WOMAN:

  My son would like a snake.

  ASSISTANT:

  We have a lovely boa constrictor.

  WOMAN:

  He’d also like a Lego set.

  ASSISTANT:

  So buy him a boa constructor!

  MAN:

  Do you have a pink car for my daughter?

  ASSISTANT:

  Sorry, sir, we’re all sold out. It seems everyone in the country has bought a pink car this week.

  MAN:

  You realize what this means?

  ASSISTANT:

  Yes, sir. We’re slowly turning into a pink car-nation!

  MAN:

  I’d like a magician’s set for my son.

  ASSISTANT:

  Is he a beginner?

  MAN:

  No! He’s been practising the sawing-people-in-half trick for years.

  ASSISTANT:

  Is he an only child?

  MAN:

  No, no! He has a lot of half -brothers and sisters.

  Not everyone gets what they want for Christmas – or wants what they get . . . with millions of presents given every Christmas there are bound to be a few disappointments . . .

  YOUNG MAN:

  Did you like the parrot I bought you darling? It sings, dances, tells jokes and recites poetry. What did you think of it?

  GIRL:

  Well, to be honest, it was a bit tough, but the stuffing was nice.

  WIFE:

  Darling, you know that shockproof, waterproof, anti-magnetic, un-breakable watch you bought me?

  HUSBAND:

  Yes, darling.

  WIFE:

  Well, it caught fire.

  HUSBAND:

  Good grief.

  WIFE:

  But it’s all right. I threw it in the river to put it out.

  HUSBAND:

  It cost too much to throw away.

  WIFE:

  It’s all right. I fished the watch out of the river and it’s still running.

  HUSBAND:

  The watch is still running?

  WIFE:

  No. The river, stupid!

  And even Scott of the Antarctic and Mrs Scott of the Antarctic had difficulty buying the right Christmas presents . . .

  LITTLE BOY:

  My Christmas stocking’s got a hole in it.

  FATHER:

  Of course it has, dipstick. That’s to get the presents in.

  LITTLE BOY:

  I asked for a hundred stocking fillers and all I got was this creepy crawly.

  FATHER:

  You got a hundred stocking fillers . . . that centipede has a hundred legs!

  GIRL:

  But I asked for a stereo radio. This isn’t stereo.

  MOTHER:

  Yes it is. You just have to place your ears ten metres apart!

  The real highlight of Christmas for us gnomes is Boxing Day when we get our own presents . . .

  GNIGEL:

  What did you get for Christmas, Gnancy?

  GNANCY:

  A mystery book.

  GNIGEL:

  What’s it called?

  GNANCY:

  The Case of the Stolen Chestnut by Nick McConker.

  GNELLIE:

  I hear Ugly Gnora Gnome got a mud pack to make her more beautiful!

  GNORMAN:

  She did.

  GNELLIE:

  Did it work?

  GNORMAN:

  It really improved her appearance for three days.

  GNELLIE:

  Then what went wrong?

  GNORMAN:

  The mud fell off.

  GNELLIE:

  Gnora reckons she has the face of a sixteen-year-old girl!

  GNORMAN:

  She had – but we made her give it back!

  ON THE FIFTH DAY OF CHRISTMAS MY TRUE LOVE SENT TO ME
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  FIVE CHRISTMAS CRACKERS

  When we have our Christmas dinner we pull our crackers, put on the paper hats . . . and then we read the cracker jokes!

  GNORA:

  Why did the chicken cross the football pitch?

  GNELLIE:

  Because the referee whistled for a fowl!

  GNORMAN:

  What drink do frogs like best?

  GNANCY:

  Croaker-cola!

  GNIGEL:

  What do you get if you cross a kangaroo with an octopus, a sheep and a zebra?

  GNOCKER:

  A striped, woolly jumper with eight sleeves!

  GNEIL:

  Did you hear about the stupid plastic surgeon?

  GNIGEL:

  Yes. He stood in front of the fire and melted!

  GNORMAN:

  What time is it when you see an elephant sitting on your television?

  GNORA:

  Time to get a new television!

  GNANCY:

  Father Christmas lost his umbrella but he didn’t get wet! Why not?

  GNELLIE:

  Because it wasn’t raining!

  GNIGEL:

  Why can’t a bike stand up by itself?

  GNIEL:

  Because it’s two-tyred!

  Some of the cracker jokes are very old . . .

  I say, I say, I say! My wife’s gone to the West Indies!

  Jamaica?

  No. She was quite happy to go!

  GNELLIE:

  What do you get if you cross a whale with a bird that quacks?

  GNANCY:

  Moby Duck!

  GNORMAN:

  How do witches tell the time?

  GNELLIE:

  With a witch–watch!

  GNORMAN:

  What do you do if your dog has ticks?

  GNORA:

  Don’t wind him up!

  GNEIL:

  How can you get your name in lights the world over?

  GNIGEL:

  Change your name to Emergency Exit!

  GNANCY:

  What do you get if you cross a gnome with a vampire?

  GNORMAN:

  A monster that sucks the blood out of your kneecaps!

  GNORMAN:

  Doctor, Doctor! Everyone thinks I’m a liar!

  DOCTOR:

  I don’t believe you!

  GNOCKER:

  What flower can you eat?

  GNELLIE:

  A cauli-flower!

  Gnock! Gnock!

  Who’s there?

  Dishes!

  Dishes who?

  Dishes Father Christmas, so let me in!

  GNORA:

  What’s the best way to catch a rabbit?

  GNELLIE:

  Hide behind a bush and make a sound like a carrot!

  GNANCY:

  How do you start a polar-bear race?

  GNORMAN:

  Say “Ready! Teddy! Go!”

  GNOCKER:

  Which animal should you not play cards with?

  GNIGEL:

  A cheetah!

  GNEIL:

  What do you get if you cross a hen with a bedside clock?

  GNORA:

  An alarm cluck!

  GNANCY:

  What would you do if a rhino charged you?

  GNIGEL:

  Pay him!

  GNOCKER:

  Why couldn’t the sailors play cards?

  GNORA:

  Because the captain was standing on the deck!

  GNEIL:

  What do you get hanging from Father Christmas’ roof?

  GNIGEL:

  Tired arms!

  GNORMAN:

  I’m letting my pet pig sleep on my bed!

  GNEIL:

  What about the smell?

  GNORMAN:

  He’ll just have to get used to it!

  GNORA:

  Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas?

  GNORMAN:

  Santa Jaws.

  GNORA:

  Where are the Andes?

  GNORMAN:

  On the end of the armies!

  GNELLIE:

  What do you get if you cross a cowboy with an octopus?

  GNANCY:

  Billy the Squid.

  GNORA:

  Waiter! Water! My Christmas pudding is off!

  WAITER:

  Off? Where to?

  GNEIL:

  Who wrote the book, The Awful Comedown?

  GNIGEL:

  Lucy Lastick!

  GNORMAN:

  If I’m standing at the North Pole, facing the South Pole, and the East is on my left hand, what’s on my right hand?

  GNIGEL:

  Fingers.

  GNOCKER:

  How do monkeys make toast?

  GNORMAN:

  Stick some bread under the gorilla!

  GNOCKER:

  What did the police do when the hares escaped from the zoo?

  GNEIL:

  They combed the area!

  GNORMAN:

  Why was the turkey in the pop group?

  GNELLIE:

  Because he was the only one with drum-sticks!

  GNELLIE:

  How does Father Christmas climb up a chimney?

  GNORA

  He uses a ladder in the stocking!

  GNORA:

  Why do you call your dog Metalworker?

  GNIGEL:

  Because every time he hears a knock he makes a bolt for the door.

  GNOCKER:

  What song did Cinderella sing as she waited four months for her photos to come back from the chemist?

  GNIGEL:

  “Some Day My Prints Will Come!”

  ON THE SIXTH DAY OF CHRISTMAS MY TRUE LOVE SENT TO ME

  SIX PANTO TICKETS

  The big Christmas treat for us gnomes is when Father Christmas takes us all to the theatre to see the pantomime. Of course, Father Christmas thinks he’s too famous and popular to need tickets for the panto.

  FATHER

  CHRISTMAS:

  (To box office girl) All right, my good lady, my face is my ticket.

  BOX OFFICE

  ATTENDANT:

  Then you’d better watch out . . . there’s a feller inside who has the job of punching the tickets!

  Even the reindeer wanted to go to the panto – so Father Christmas booked them into the stalls.

  Ghosts love to go to the theatre at Christmas – they like to watch a good phantomime!

  Mind you, going to the theatre with Father Christmas can be a bit embarrassing. He’s forever popping out to get an ice-cream – and he’s far too fat to squeeze back in.

  FATHER

  CHRISTMAS:

  (To lady with a feathered hat) Excuse me, but did I step on your toes on my way out to get an ice-cream?

  LADY:

  You certainly did!

  FATHER

  CHRISTMAS:

  Oh good! That means I’m back in the right row!

  And you see such funny characters at the pantomime . . .

  GNELLIE:

  Who’s that little girl who wears a red cape and goes round shouting “Knickers” at the Big Bad Wolf?

  FATHER

  CHRISTMAS:

  That’s Little Rude Riding Hood.

  GNEIL:

  I wouldn’t let that Cinderella play on my hockey team.

  FATHER

  CHRISTMAS:

  Why not?

  GNEIL:

  ’Cos she keeps running away from the ball!

  The pantomime we went to see this year had all the usual characters. First there was the “Dame” . . . but she looked an awful lot like a man dressed up to me!

  The pantomime dame was called old Mother Hubbard. She had her song, of course:

  Old Mother Hubbard

  Went to the cupboard

  To get her poor doggy a
bone.

  When she got there